Thursday, August 22, 2019

7 Fantastically Underrated Feelings and Where to Find Them



This article was written by Sarah Fielding for thespec.com. To see the original article click here. Thanks, Sarah!

There's no denying that self-care is the buzzword on the block. But take it from your bank account: In today's world, self-care is hardly ever free — and sometimes these pastimes don't help your inner voice grow stronger.

So, let's talk the no-cost option that really gets to the root of feeling balanced on the regular. Let's get to feeling our feelings.

In a world where CBD seems to pay off, slowly getting to know your feelings can seem anti-productive. But hear us out: Exploring your emotional intelligence might help you quickly kick stress to the curb.

"Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize our feelings, emotions, and moods to better identify what we are feeling and why," says Jen Shirkani, keynote speaker and author of "Ego vs.EQ" and "Choose Resilience."

Shirkani emphasizes the importance of reading yourself. "By (doing that), we can channel our emotions to respond in healthy, intelligent ways rather than allowing our emotions to take over and undermine us."

Ready to get emotional with us? Here are the seven feelings that we've found make or break our self-care techniques.

1. GRATITUDE
It's amazing how much taking stock of your life and what you have can do for your self-care. And gratitude is more than a thank-you note to your body.

According to Grace Suh, a licensed mental health counselor based in New York, practicing gratitude actually means being humble in your thanks. That means really seeing the bigger picture and even reaching out to the people who helped you get there.

"Humbleness is the key in gratitude, having different perspectives in life, and being able to see the source of generosity or unearned privileges," Suh says.

Suh recommends going out into nature and breathing in the beautiful scenery found on Earth. Bring a journal and use the time to reflect on what things truly make you feel gratitude.

And we'll say it: A cheap, local pizza place totally counts.

2. EMPATHY
To be empathetic is to be able to understand and share the feelings someone else carries. This moment of separation can be incredibly cleansing, but it doesn't work for everyone.
If you're more of an introvert or someone who recharges by being alone, you might not want to tap into your inner empath. Becoming too invested in someone else's situation can cause added stress, even if it's a good exercise in boundaries.

"Pay attention when communicating to how you're reacting and why and how those reactions are affecting your behaviors," Shirkani says. Being aware of what makes you tick is key to stopping empathy overload.

But if empathy rejuvenates you, there are ways to do it without worrying about being a burden to others or accidentally falling into a rabbit hole of emotional labor. The trick? Reading!

Digesting a character's story, the good and the bad, allows your brain a release. As the tension melts in the story, you might just feel yours go away, too. And maybe you'll even get a new perspective on your situation.

If a book is too long, we're also fans of stressing and rejoicing with Claire Saffitz as she conquers old-school treats in the "Bon App├ętit" video series "Gourmet Makes."

3. HOPE
Hope is both an incredibly powerful emotion and a terrifying one. It's easy to quickly cross off hope with the expectation that we'll be let down. But that's giving hope a bad name.
"Despite trying circumstances, belief that things can change can actually motivate you to change. Hope is empowerment," Suh says.

Anyone who has continually exercised hope can tell you it's far worse to forego hope before the finish line is even in sight.

Suh recommends allowing yourself to be inspired and actually anticipate a positive future.

So keep a goal journal and write down the wildest, most outlandish dreams you can think of. You'll be surprised how, when you admit what you want, you find the ambition to achieve it.

The worst-case scenario is too often something your brain creates to stop you from going after what you hope for. Tell it to get lost — hope is here.

4. COMPASSION
It can be easy to feel the need to put off any kind of self-care that feels time-consuming. But the point of pursuing self-care is having compassion for yourself.

Many times, self-care starts with finding compassion for your mind and body. You wouldn't push a friend who was burned out to do more, so why not respect yourself in the same way?

Then there's compassion for others.

Suh stresses the importance of remembering that you're not in this alone. Exploring the idea of what we can do for each other, from the small to the big, allows for a better life for everyone.

"Even small gestures like a smile or an encouraging word or simply listening to someone's problem can help us to be an ally, not an enemy," Suh says.

5. VALIDATION
Can you guess whose opinion of what you do matters the most? Look in the mirror if you need a clue. Giving yourself validation for difficult decisions you've made and times you gave it your best is just as important as celebrating those #winning moments.

We forget that validation is also looking back at your life and simply giving yourself permission to be human.

"At the end of the day, spend some time reflecting on both positive and negative interactions and ask yourself what made them feel good or bad," Shirkani says. Being aware of how individual situations made you feel allows you to grow and take care of yourself.

Of course, you'll also seek validation from others — it's only natural. Being aware of who you're seeking it from and why can help you be better cared for.

6. WHOLEHEARTEDNESS
While validation from others is rarely turned away, finding wholehearted love for yourself can go a long way toward removing the need for that validation.

It's about "feeling that you are enough despite what others say about you, having no doubt that you are enough," Suh says.

Of course, there are times you'll have doubts — you're human after all! But it's about being able to access that self-love when the doubt pops up.

In Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are," she writes, "Wholehearted living is about engaging with our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, 'No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.'"

Practice telling yourself this first thing in the morning to start your day from a place of encouragement.

"We spend too much (time) thinking about what we are not, comparing ourselves with others on a daily basis," Suh says.

When it comes down to it, you are with yourself at all times. Through finding wholeheartedness, you may not always like yourself, but you can always love yourself.

7. PEACE
Finally, we've gotten to the epitome of self-care: peace. When you think of feeling relaxed or being 100 percent at peace, where does your mind go?

Finding relaxation is different for everyone, and the most important thing to remember about self-care is that you completely deserve to do it.

The best way to self-care is to remember what inspires gratitude, empathy, hope, compassion, validation, wholeheartedness, and peace within you. What can you do that helps you preserve those feelings?

Whether it's putting your phone in airplane mode (with a heads-up to friends and family!), going hiking or having quality time with friends, you can find the right ritual for you.

Being in tune with your emotions allows you to coexist with them instead of feeling out of control. It's also an important foundation for being truly productive with self-care.

Sarah Fielding is a New York City-based writer. She covers social justice, mental health, health, travel, relationships, entertainment, fashion, and food.

Thursday, August 15, 2019

The Trust Thing


It’s been said that trust is like money: it's tough to get and easy to lose. But what does trust 
look like and how can you tell if there’s trust within your leadership, your team and your organization? It’s much easier to discern its absence than its presence. When trust is low, morale and profits follow. Other telltale signs are higher turnover, an overactive rumor mill, less innovation, and risk-taking, followed by lost customers. By contrast, high trust pays. Watson Wyatt Worldwide found that companies with trusted top executives posted shareholder returns 42 percentage points higher than those where distrust was the rule.

Sadly, trust in leadership is not the rule. According to Aon’s Loyalty Institute, less than half of the employees trusts their organizations' leaders overall. The challenge can be easier to address once it is defined. One definition of trust is: “a positive expectation that another will not act opportunistically.” Another is: “Confidence in and reliance on good qualities, especially fairness, truth, honor or ability.” Trust requires a mutual understanding and expectation of values, roles, and behavior. Can you say with certainty that you and your team share the same expectation of your role in their immediate work-life and career? Building trust means looking for what you may not want to see and finding what you may not want to know. Can you really afford not to?

What can you do to rebuild lost trust with teams or customers?

● Seek feedback: Leaders are often baffled by the lack of trust in their organizations. Multi-rater feedback instruments, such as a validated 360-degree assessment, can offer a reliable window into areas for improvement.
● Zero in on the issue: Is it personal mistrust, such as lost credibility, reliability or overindulged self-interest, or organizational mistrust, caused by unfulfilled promises, organizational misalignment or the unintended effects of rapid change?
● Acknowledge and plan: Once identified, openly acknowledge the specific issues and create a plan to close trust gaps.
● Raise the bar and follow-through: Whatever the initial issue, repair comes over time with overt and consistent behavior. Create higher expectations for trustworthy behavior and follow through.
● Watch it: Monitor the effort closely, repeating assessments within six months.


Trust is priceless and can even be a competitive advantage. Don’t assume you deserve it. As in all things, be deliberate about earning and maintaining organizational and personal trust.

Thursday, August 1, 2019

Month in a Minute




Clockwise from left: Steve and me at the Lincoln Memorial; Me with Farhan Khan Co-Founder and CEO, Nate Underwood Co-Founder and President, and Amy Birkel COO of Heritage Communities; Steve and me with Corniece Keen-Brown AOC


In our business, summer is a slow time. Most organizations avoid scheduling workshops or events as so many employees take vacations and the end of the year seems luxuriously far away: there is lots of time to spend the budget dollars or get the programs completed that have been committed to. So, we had some downtime in July but I was able to visit a client we worked with years ago. A company called Heritage Communities, an owner/operator of assisted living communities in Nebraska, Iowa, and Arizona. The team there is wonderful and it was fun to see them again and see how much they have grown and succeeded.

Another highlight of the month was working in Washington DC. A few months ago, I gave a talk to the senior leaders of the Architect of the Capitol and they asked us to come back and deliver several half-day workshops for the rest of the employees. Don’t let the name of the agency fool you, I have learned they do much more than just architecture. The AOC is also responsible for the operations and management of the Capitol Visitors Center which receives 3-5million visitors per year. They also manage the Capitol Grounds and Arboretum. Then, of course, they preserve the antique buildings and offices that make up the Capitol campus. Steve and I had a little free time to do some sightseeing and visit some of the museums and monuments. I have visited the Capitol many times in the past, but no matter, I am continually in awe of the beauty of our nation and its history and the access to our government we enjoy as citizens.

Some of you know that I am the daughter of an Iranian American. My father was born in Tehran and came to the US as a foreign exchange student in 1958; he later naturalized in 1976. As the situation in Iran declined through the 1970s and 1980s and with some of his family still there, we had an inside understanding of what life is like with an unstable government and lack of personal freedoms.  We were raised to understand that voting is a privilege, not a right. We were taught that very few citizens in the world enjoyed the freedom of speech, freedom of religion, and legal protection against discrimination so none of it should be taken for granted or be underappreciated. As a female of middle eastern descent, I was keenly aware of how women were treated in other parts of the world. We may not like what is happening with politics today or think that we have a lot to change about our policies, but there is no question in my mind that this is the best country in the world.